Default Thriving
One of my children returned to his town yesterday, with the other leaving for his college home tomorrow, or as soon as this snow storm allows him to hit the road. The holidays are over. Even though we kept things relatively simple, I did not partake in hardly any lazy, sipping-hot-cocoa-while-reading-a-book sessions, and for that I am sorely regretful. Nor did I tie down all of the loose ends that I typically try to tie down at the end of year (bookkeeping stuff, purging and reorganizing my office space and closet…the things that signal a reset for a new year. I may get some of these done today, but it feels like I’m riding a freight train into Monday. Not every Christmas involves kalsarikännit, sadly…
The traditional pork and sauerkraut meal went off without a hitch. I think that Lori might be able to produce it blindfolded, given a few minutes to place all of the ingredients on the counter before covering her eyes.
A phrase that I have heard out of Silicon Valley leaders that I’ve been thinking about lately is “default dead.” This is the status of any new tech startup - it’s default status is nonviable. The world hasn’t asked for it to be created, and it is not generating enough revenue to sustain itself (if any). But the founders have an idea that they think the world will embrace once it is revealed. So they work themselves ragged trying to transcend this default dead status, testing their assumptions, making early versions of their product, getting customer feedback and iterating as fast as possible - a feverish sprint to come alive before they are swallowed up by default death. Or at least some sort of not-dead status.
It’s a harsh term, but evocative. It asks “Why do YOU deserve to be around? What good are you?” As humans age out of childhood and tiptoe into adulthood, the universe basically asks them the same question. What are you doing here, anyway?
It’s not an easy question to answer. Answering it well requires a fair amount of self-awareness. We need to know what we like, what we are reasonably good at. Or at least something at which we could see ourselves enjoying the journey of gaining skill. Landing on the right thing often involves a fair bit of luck. A good professor who inspires our interest, a cute fellow student opting for a particular class, or some other bit of randomness that piques our interest.
The goal of course is to be better than not-dead. It is to thrive. It is to put ourselves in position to build the kind of life we desire, to make a contribution to the world that lights us up. As a young adult, I can say with certainty that I was too focused on building my life. I encourage all young adults to spend more time than I did thinking outwardly rather than inward at own selfish interests. Think hard about the contribution they wish to make to others. In my experience it became far easier to build the life of my dreams when I shifted my focus in this way. I understand that this might feel like a very roundabout way of getting what we want, but it is probably the most efficient way of living a great life.
Become less transactional. Don’t worry about what the immediate payback for a helpful act might be. Just give. Be helpful. It all comes out in the wash. And if some omniscient bookkeeper notices that the ledger doesn’t balance out even-steven, I promise you will not notice or care. In addition to good things coming back to you when you adopt a more helpful posture in the world, you will find intrinsic joy in more and more of your daily activities. Life becomes a virtuous cycle of being helpful and then, lo and behold, helpful things falling out of the sky to benefit you, seemingly in random fashion.
Gary Vaynerchuck very much believes in this. I have heard him speak of always wanting any deal he enters into to benefit the other party slightly more than it benefits him. He also coined a phrase: Jab, Jab, Jab, Right Hook. (The “jabs” are selfless acts, followed by the occasional request for help from your network.)
As I think about the outcomes I’m trying to generate this year, I’m primarily thinking about what I can give to the world, such that these outcomes become easier, if not inevitable.
Sunday Supper
One of the reasons I didn’t have more down time over the holidays was my conscious choice to cook a lot of good food for my family while we were all gathered under one roof. I made this Cheesy Wild Rice & Chicken Soup yesterday, and loved it. (I also added mushrooms, which are not in the recipe. Yes, it has Velveeta in it - it works!). This Salt & Vinegar Baked Fish and Chips was well-received on Friday. And this Labneh Tuna Salad is my plan for tonight.
Sunday Music
This recent Waxahatchee concert at the NPR Tiny Desk is a very pleasant way to start your Sunday. Enjoy!
If you know anyone who might like this essay, please share it with them.
Have a great week ahead! Offer support to others. Make good use of this day. And let me know how I can help.
Peace & Love,